Insomnia is the name of the game lately. Not a productive movie flavored insomnia either. Real, brutal, tired as hell, lie in bed awake insomnia. The kind of depressing sleeplessness where you believe that you should be able to accomplish a bunch of tasks. But in reality you can barely follow the plot lines of sesame street.
The good news is that it seems to be cooling down a bit. Instead of not sleeping for three nights in a row, it’s settled down to sleeping OK for a day or two, and then a sleepless night. Which in essence is a big freekin tease! I just start to feel good again. Start to feel productive, and then Bam! nope you’re not sleeping tonight.
Fortunately while I’ve been going through this haze of a mind numbing sleep/awake cycle, not once have I been tempted to quit writing. So that’s good I suppose. Not that it means I’ve been getting much done. A page or two of editing here or there. A few nights I’ve even been coherent enough to finish a chapter.
So really it’s pretty much the story of life in general. Just keep plugging away.
Two words can explain where the hell I’ve been for such a long time:
Pain, and Pain Killers.
Some day I hope to make this a much longer post about the horrors of necessary pain killer addiction. But tonight it’s just a quick and simple explanation. In list form no less.
1. Injured my back awhile back. (pun intended. I like puns.)
2. The only form of treatment for some time was strong painkillers. The side affects of which are searchable on Google. suffice to say that concentration and motivation both suffer dramatically. The pain just got worse, which in turn increased the need for pain killers.
3. Couldn’t really concentrate enough to read a book, never mind write/edit/blog/such and such and such.
4. Had two spine surgeries.
5. Surgeries seem to be working.
6. Getting off the shitty pain killers.
7. Feeling much better. Motivation, concentration, and mood are all much better. Beginning to put my life back together again. I am reading, editing, world building, and story planning again.
Someday I will probably fill in the blanks. Thanks to all family and friends who have been there for me throughout this debauchery of a life during the last 2 years.
That is all
This is one of my favorite Sayings. I’m not sure where it comes from. I might have made it up myself. Who’s to say really? But I find it to be one of the most honest realities of everyday life.
we like to go through life thinking that we are the most intelligent beings around us at any one given time. we love to put ourselves on pedestals and judge on high. we know that we are always right, and whoever disagrees is wrong. we love to poke fun at others for petty little differences.
don’t feel bad, or ashamed. we all do it whether we want to or not. its in our nature to survive and dominate.
but the simple fact of the matter is that we are all stupid sometimes. and some of us more than others. don’t get me wrong, I count myself on the list of “stupider” than others. We love to walk down a street and in our minds we are pointing at the guy walking past us. “those are stupid shoes” we think. “what a dumb hat” or “only a mother would love that ugly mug” or “that guy is Definatly an alien who wants to crack open my skull and feed on my mushy brains”… well maybe that’s only me, but you get the point.
the problem is that they are probably thinking the same thing. even more of a problem is who cares? each and every persons measure of stupid or not stupid is based on a trivial set of prerequisites that are socially and economically prevelent at the time. you think Neanderthals walked by eachother thinking “boy that ugly bastard has a big flat head”… well yeah they probably did, but thats the point isn’t it? we are all just one big flathead pointing and laughing at another big flathead.
so what the fuck is the point?… welll. “we are all a little stupid sometimes”
that is all.
oh and sorry for being so stupid and not posting on this blog in forever. just proving my point all over again.
Please ignore typos, I’m writing posts on my phone now. Not that I was any better on the big pc either.
I realize that the post on grammar that I put up last night was a bit bitter.
There is a good reason though.
I am the first to admit that I am really not very good at grammar. I never have been. I was diagnosed with a learning disability when I was very young. It’s something I have lived with my whole life.
I have a lot of trouble with words like feet/feat where/were there/their and all of that fun stuff. I have big problems with repeated words. Massive seems to be my favorite. I have difficulty grasping the so called “elements of style” and the rules of grammar, structure, and spelling. I also have difficulty with the definitions of the words noun, pronoun, adjective, adverb, and the like.
Now I am absolutely not looking for sympathy.
But I ask the world, should I give up? should I retire and say “well it’s just not for me”. Should I lie down and let the dogs eat me alive because I’m tired. Should I stop doing the one thing that I love to do more than anything.
I push forward. I give it my best every day. I learn as much as I can, no matter how slow I might be at it. And I will never, ever, ever give up.
And neither should any of you. When someone tells you you’re not good enough, I want you to stand up and say “go f— yourself…”(or just ignore them, and continue on) say “I will not lie down and surrender because you don’t think I’m good enough. I will not disappear into the darkness. And I will succeed. I will move on. And I will conquer my faults, and my fear of failure.”
And always, always remember those who have helped you to overcome. For they are the unsung heroes in life. So thank you, Mongo, Jake, Jim, Nicole, and all the others who give me a shoulder to lean on.
(and yes I know I spelled Grammar wrong, it was on purpose.)
I apologize for two very close blog posts. But they are in a strange way related. And honestly…It’s my blog…or web log, lest we forget.
Point: I am a writer. I am a storyteller. Not an editor.
Some people in the world are fantastic at both. They are amazing people…and I hate them…just kidding, I don’t hate anyone. But I am extremely jealous.
There is a lot of advice out on the interwebs (Yes I mispelled this as well, for a lame attempt at humor), as to why writers should be so fantastic at grammar. And I agree, we all should be great at grammar. But in all honesty, we aren’t. Some of us try very hard to have perfect grammar. But some of us just can’t physically grasp all the concepts. No matter how many times we read Strunk and White.
That’s why copy editors even exist in the first place. If every writer was a fantastic grammarian, then we would not ever, ever, ever need an editor.
Now unfortunately, most of us can not afford editors to edit our blogs every day. Even the best authors have grammatical errors in their blogs. Trust me I’ve checked. If I can notice a grammatical error in a blog, then it’s pretty bad.
Here is the main point. It’s the point that matters, not the grammar.
Without heart, there is no grammar. Without story, their is no book. I am a story teller, as all writers should be.
I have wonderful, and amazing people who are helping me with this grammar deficiency that I have. And they know that they are very appreciated.
Focusing only on the grammatical errors, is like focusing only on the potholes in a road. Guess what, there are a lot of potholes on any road. Do you stop driving altogether? Or do you simply avoid all roads with potholes? This will only get you one place. Nowhere.
So please. Just relax. If you can’t get past any grammatical errors. Then please don’t read at all.
I apologize again for the harsh tone of this post (and for using the word apologize again). I try to be positive. But my inner demons love to show their ugly faces.